"You have such fat skin."
Um... the hell you say?
I'd understand if she were pinching my belly or my third chin, but my forehead? That's the one part of my body I thought had escaped the effects of my cookie addiction.
But no.
Instead, I had the pleasure of hearing this:
Instead, I had the pleasure of hearing this:
"My grandma always said, you can either have a pretty face or a rocking body. But you can't have both. And you have such a pretty face."
Um... thanks? For the compliment? I think?
I think she was trying to be nice. After all, I was paying her lots of my husband's hard-earned cash to squeeze gunk out of my pores, and her tip was on the line. And apparently plump skin is all the rage. In fact, she even went so far as to say, "You just have so much great collagen!" (Fun fact: Collagen = fat.) So, I'm going to take it as the "you're-kick-ass" statement that she intended it to be.
I'll even go one further and let YOU in on the secret of how I keep my skin so... corpulent.
1) LeafSeedBerry Face Toner
I love this shit. Like, I totally want to marry it. Like, if I were 10, and this goodness was named Justin Bieber, I'd totally have it's poster over my bed... so I could fall asleep licking it.
That being said, disclaimer: A good friend (Jessica Kennedy) makes this. But if you think I'm biased, you're just wrong, wronger, wrongest. I don't play. If I don't like something, I'm not using it. I don't do what I don't wanna do, because I'm an adult, and that's one of the perks. Anyway, Jessica and I met on the Internet when she bought a vintage wiener dog-shaped vase from me. (No joke.) We each owned Etsy stores (her's is Dooley&FritzVintage, and it's really rad), and we both go estate sale-ing for a (sort of) living. When I jokingly said that she was my "kindred spirit" (a throwback comment to Anne of Green Gables), she knew what I was talking about, and thus my statement became fact.
When she started her second Etsy store, LeafSeedBerry, she sent me one sample of this stuff, and I became ADDICTED! Like a puppy on crack. Wait. Do puppies ever do crack? Just a second. I'm Googling it, and woah!! Found something, bitchuz! *
Anyhooooo.... Key pluses to this facial toner are: It's totally all-natural. It's made by hand by someone I trust. It smells like rose heaven (and comes in a variety of scents if you're not into florals). And I can't emphasize this enough, but it works. Like, seriously. I've experienced diminished redness, reduced pore size, and zero negative side effects.
My Point: 5 out of 5 Bekah Stars
Buy it here: LeafSeedBerry
2) Mary Kay TimeWise Microdermabrasion Refine
This past Christmas, I acted upon my right as an older cousin and stole my younger cousin, Rachel's, facial cleanser. Why? Because I wanted to. Please see previous paragraph on how being an adult means doing what you want.
And. Holy. Crap. She's lucky I didn't shove that bottle in my bag and cross state borders with it. Because I totally thought about doing just that. Instead, I opted for the nice route, just stole it for use throughout the duration of our family gathering, and I ordered it from her, because she also just happens to be a Mary Kay consultant.
Now, normally I would buy a little bit of something (i.e. cheap whore-colored lip gloss) to appease my guilt-driven need to support a family member's side business. But, um, no, not after my little theft. Instead, I bought a lot of something. Because this advanced exfoliater removes dead skin cells like nobody's business, and it does so both inside and around the edge of your pores. In other words, it cleans out your face holes, and if you have a fat face like me, then there's plenty of that hole space to clean.
Now, normally I would buy a little bit of something (i.e. cheap whore-colored lip gloss) to appease my guilt-driven need to support a family member's side business. But, um, no, not after my little theft. Instead, I bought a lot of something. Because this advanced exfoliater removes dead skin cells like nobody's business, and it does so both inside and around the edge of your pores. In other words, it cleans out your face holes, and if you have a fat face like me, then there's plenty of that hole space to clean.
3) Water
Fun fact: My cheapest and favorite facial product is aqua, H20, Adam's ale.**
No matter what you call it, water is the bomb. And here's another fun fact: This is the only product I'm promoting that you don't have to buy from one of my friends/family members!
That being said, water and a washcloth can do wonders, compared to doing nothing.
My Point: 5 out of 5 Bekah Stars
Summation:
I know I'm doing something right, because after calling my face fat, my facial person went ahead and gave me a truly nice compliment.
"Your skin is perfect. Keep doing what you're doing."
Oh, I plan to, lady. I plan to. Because I love my perfect fat face too much not to.
* Apparently the Internet doesn't know if dogs abuse crack. BUT, it does know that reindeer apparently go ape shit over 'shrooms (proper name: Amanita muscaria mushrooms.) Apparently, the reindeer eat the fungi, start tripping, go off to pee somewhere, and then local shamans follow the stoned reindeer, collect Rudolph's urine, and then... THEY DRINK IT! Google provided me with a whole load of scientific articles about how humans can't digest these mushrooms, so they have to consume them second-hand, but I wasn't paying much attention to the biological and anatomical aspects, because I was more like: HOLY HELL, Y'ALL! PEOPLE GET BUZZED OFF OF REINDEER PISS!
No matter what you call it, water is the bomb. And here's another fun fact: This is the only product I'm promoting that you don't have to buy from one of my friends/family members!
That being said, water and a washcloth can do wonders, compared to doing nothing.
My Point: 5 out of 5 Bekah Stars
Buy it here: Facial Water ***
Summation:
I know I'm doing something right, because after calling my face fat, my facial person went ahead and gave me a truly nice compliment.
"Your skin is perfect. Keep doing what you're doing."
Oh, I plan to, lady. I plan to. Because I love my perfect fat face too much not to.
* Apparently the Internet doesn't know if dogs abuse crack. BUT, it does know that reindeer apparently go ape shit over 'shrooms (proper name: Amanita muscaria mushrooms.) Apparently, the reindeer eat the fungi, start tripping, go off to pee somewhere, and then local shamans follow the stoned reindeer, collect Rudolph's urine, and then... THEY DRINK IT! Google provided me with a whole load of scientific articles about how humans can't digest these mushrooms, so they have to consume them second-hand, but I wasn't paying much attention to the biological and anatomical aspects, because I was more like: HOLY HELL, Y'ALL! PEOPLE GET BUZZED OFF OF REINDEER PISS!
**Yes, people actually call water this. I know, because a waiter asked me if I wanted Adam's ale, and I was all polite and like, "No, thanks, I can't drink alcohol," and he was like, "Oh, it's just another name for water, but congrats! How far along are you?" and then I had to be all like, "I'm not growing a baby; I'm growing a tumor, but thanks for that." And then things were just all awkward.
*** If you honestly clicked on this link because you wanted to buy special water for your face, then you deserved the website you got.
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