Biebs? Please Don't Be My Neighbor

Worst. News. Ever.

THIS idiot....

... is planning on moving to my neck of the woods.

Just.... just...

I can't handle it. My brain, heart, AND soul just do NOT want to live in the same city as the dastardly douche-canoe named Justin Bieber.

Seriously. Just look at this turdlet.

Would YOU want him to be your neighbor?

Doubt it.

And so does an entire group of Atlanta residents who are LITERALLY turning to legal channels to ban this budding butthead from relocating to the area.

Turns out that the Buckhead Neighborhood Coalition found out that the Biebs has decided to stop giving poor Canada such a horrific name and is instead turning to the South for his salvation.

DixieLand. Ain't. Having. It.

So upset are they, in fact, that when they discovered that Mr. Bieberballs was considering an $11 million mansion in the city's best neighborhood, they actually protested.

No.

Really.

They protested.

With signs and shit.

Now, I'm working toward a PhD in public policy, so protests regarding urban environments is sorta my schtick. I love this stuff. And I'm not alone. In fact, there are entire books and scientific articles written on the phenomenon known as NIMBY-ism (NIMBY standing for Not In My Backyard.) I just never thought I'd get to see such an academic principle applied to the Biebs and my neighborhood. Because, in fact, the mansion the pop starlet is considering is only about five miles away from my humble abode.

Personally, I'm okay with this shmuck moving on up to the Northeast-side to his deluxe mansion in the high (property tax area). I think it's good for the kids. More money for our schools, and more opportunity for local children to see what all loserdom entails.

But if I had to pick my next door neighbor, I'd pick this guy, even if he does have a creepy obsession with puppets.

Now, speaking of the magical world of make believe, never say never. For all of you non-Bie-lieb-ers, you're right to have your doubts.

Turns out that everything you just read is a complete hoax. Except I didn't fall for it. But TIME magazine did. The national news site ran a small clip on Bieber's possible move (no, really, they ran an article, and you can read it right here.) But they didn't check their sources.

As CNN said, it had all the elements of being an irresistible story, but ultimately it proved too good to be true. Yes, rumors were circulating about the Biebs moving to Atlanta. But the protest group was complete crap. It was a publicity stunt put together by the hosts Rock 100.5's morning show, "The Regular Guys." And they did a FAB.U.LOUS job tussling the media into a tizzy.

One of the co-hosts, Time Andrews, actually created a fictitious persona and took that faux dude for a press junket. CNN, BBC, TIME, TMZ --- together the media world slapped together some 45K stories about the protest group.

"Justin Bieber's relocation to Atlanta can be nothing but bad for our children, as well as the community. Some can't even let their children play in the driveway without fear; he has raced vehicles under the influence, before. What's to say he won't do it again?", he said to the AP.

As a former journalist, I gotta say, this whole thing cracked me up. Hopefully it did you, too.

MWAH!

And by MWAH, do I mean kisses, or is it just a shortened version of....