Lesson Learned: Don't Spank Strangers

{From Bekah}

Anorexic, I ain't. That being said, starvation has a way of seducing women who are staring down the long aisle they will walk as a bride.

Five-ish years ago, my now husband, Mr. Big Moose, asked me if I would grow old with him. I said yes. In hindsight, I should've flatly refused, considering that he chose to propose to me AFTER AN EPISODE OF BATTLESTAR GALLACTICA! (You know the one where you find out Sharon is a Cylon, and it's all crazy, because she's trying to assassinate the Admiral... You know what? I bet you don't care. Just like I didn't.)

ANYWAY, I did say yes, and that meant I needed to get my ass into a shape that somewhat resembled... well, an ass. And hopefully a nice one at that. I was far from achieving that goal. At my first dress fitting, I got stuck -- literally -- in a constricting cascade of chiffon. A good four inches separated either sides of a zipper and this bride from her bliss. 

So, the day after the dress debacIe, I enlisted a friend (Stacey "The I'm Already Thin But What the Heck, I'm Up For Helping Out My Pudgy Pal" Becker), joined the local Y, and quickly realized just how fat the learning curve was going to be for this curvy then-bride-to-be. 

Here are some of the lessons I learned along the way: 

1. Do not spank fellow exercisers.

I was in the locker room, changing out of a just-from-the-office ensemble that included an over-sized belt. As I went to unfasten the belt, the leather strap slipped from my hand.

Smack!

When the belt fell from my fingertips, it swung and slapped some poor teenager on her posterior.

"Omigod! I am so sorry. I didn't mean to spank you. Omigod! I am so sorry I just said spanked. Omigod! I'm sorry, OK? I'm just sorry."






2. Don't get tripped up by the hotties.

As I was limping to the water fountain, I noticed a man on a treadmill. He was running, and he looked dang good doing it. While eyeballing him, I fell flat on my face.

`He lurched to a stop - not out of concern for me, though. I had tripped over the cord plugging in his treadmill. #Faceplant/Facepalm






3. When in doubt, order dessert.

Most days, Stacey and I rocked it by eating right and exercising. But on other days, after a vigorous round of exercise, we looked at each other and said two magic words: "Olive Garden."

At least once a week, we ordered the soup, salad and breadstick combo. Not that bad, right? Well, sometimes that meant three breadsticks apiece, all dipped in alfredo sauce. And sometimes it meant ordering something chocolatey and gooey.


Our reasoning: If you're trying to get thin enough that you could conceivably star in adult films, then you deserve a little food porn for yourself every now and then. 





4. Avoid shirtless men. Especially when they sign your paycheck.

On the night I signed up for the Y, I received the introductory tour.

My guide woman shuffled me from room to room, and when we got to the gym, she used her naughtiest voice to tell me that I might like this room, since there were shirtless men running around.

I peeked in, expecting eye candy. Instead, I saw my boss sans shirt. 

Let's just say, that experience met the very definition of Not Suitable For Work (NSFW).

5. Listen to Nike and just do it.

I encountered plenty of setbacks in my weeks at the gym. My first time swimming in the pool, I accidentally crossed into an older woman's lane and got the lecture of my life. A pregnant woman pedaled faster than me in my biking class. For three whole days, I could not walk up a flight of stairs.

But I fit into my dress. And if I do say so myself, I looked pretty damn good. So guess, what? If you need to make a New Year's resolution to lose some weight, do it. Worst case scenario is that you have a fun story to tell over dinner at the Olive Garden.